Where Do I Start?
Kate Laine-Toner
Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Subtitled ‘How to Navigate the Emotional Journey of Autism Parenting’ this is I would say the go to guide for any parent with a neurodivergent child whether or not that child has already got a diagnosis. It’s written by Kate Laine-Toner, founder of Bristol Autism Support, the mother of a 13 year old child with autism and also received a neurodivergence diagnosis herself last year. So, this comes from a place of deep understanding, knowledge and empathy.

I’m not a parent but have taught many children from age three to eleven who were clearly neurodivergent; sometimes this was acknowledged by parents and shared with me and sometimes not. So I’m not the target audience for this book but I wish it had been around when I was in the classroom. I know I would have been in a better position to help those parents having read it.
There are two parts to the book, the first focuses on How to Help Yourself (as a parent); the second is on How to Help Your Child.

The seven chapters that comprise the first section give helpful advice on topics that include looking after yourself, talking to family and friends about autism and being assertive with professionals in education and healthcare, why you need help and how to get it. Interwoven throughout are Kate’s story of her daughter’s journey and her own experiences. For example she looks at some of the true feelings around a diagnosis that parents may be too frightened to disclose. I love the garden metaphor used: ‘view your autistic child as an amazing garden, and that autism is the soil in which everything in your child grows. … there will be plants and flowers that thrive without any help and those that need support and extra nourishment.’

Not all parents are by nature assertive but parents need to be assertive to get the help they need and to this end, several ‘why’ questions are offered (with an extended example).
Why can’t my child have this reasonable adjustment at school?
Why can’t we have the first appointment of the day?
Why can’t the GP meet us in the waiting area?
Why can’t we arrive 15 minutes before everyone else?
Why can’t my child eat the food we brought from home when the rest of us are ordering meals?
These asked in a non aggressive manner should, one hopes, get the person you are addressing thinking about how they might help.
Other key pieces of advice include never comparing your child with other children and focusing on the positives.

Part two has 12 chapters; these look at topics such as ‘How to Advocate for Your Child’, coping with your child’s anxiety, how and when to talk to your child about autism, emotional regulation (this includes an explanation of the differences between meltdowns, tantrums and shutdowns), sensory processing differences and executive functioning. The last – the ability to plan, organise and carry out tasks is something most neurodivergent people struggle with. Chaining (a technique to help with learning a new skill/routine) and using visuals can be a great help here.

The final chapter reminds readers of the importance of being in the here and now with a child, rather than worrying unduly about what their future might hold.
The book concludes with a lovely poem by Kate, which is also entitled ‘Where Do I Start?’

Thoroughly recommended no matter where a parent is on their journey with their neurodivergent child. I would also suggest a copy should be in every primary school.